Sainsbury’s: Guess I’ll Just Brownie

Brownie Basics

You can get two types of brownie from Sainsbury’s in-store bakery. Well, one type, in two sizes. This is the bigger size: three slices in one packet.

I arranged these three slices on a wooden chopping board shaped like a pear, for aesthetic reasons.

Brownie Backstory

So I know it’s been like two days since I said that I didn’t want to settle for some crappy supermarket brownies, but I had a busy (if exciting) day at work and so had no opportunities to get out for a brownie at lunch. Wanting to keep the brownie momentum going, I decided I’d go and give Sainsbury’s a chance to surprise me.

Sainsbury’s does a whole bunch of tubs of various baked goods, and when I was younger they would be almost permanently on a 2-for-£2.50 deal, and I feel like I almost certainly ate far far too many of them over the years. Lots of the same items are available in a three-slice configuration, and I’ve never tried these out before, though I’ve been interested in it for a while.

My biggest complaint about Sainsbury’s baked goods is consistent across all of them: they are overcooked. Cookies which are dry and crunchy! Dark brown flapjacks! Their brownie bites barely deserve to be called brownies! The best thing which ever came out of there is the millionaire’s shortbread tubs, which are vastly improved if you accidentally leave a tub of twenty-two odd bites in the sun for a whole day until it completely melts, then attempt to rescue this molten mess by sticking it in a fridge for another day, and then just eat what results. It’s delicious. It’s called “New Age Cake” and I cannot for the life of me remember why. Some silly in-joke from summer camp, maybe?

Anyway, it stands to reason that the much larger ‘slices’ might be, relatively speaking, less overbaked than the bites. Could it be? I’ve got to have some reason to be optimistic going in…

Brownie Points

Taste: Not very chocolatey, really. Pretty sure the chocolate chips in the brownie are Sainsbury’s Basics Milk Chocolate. The taste is not outright offensive, I had no actual issues eating it, but it’s… poor. 3/10

Texture: It does indeed have a texture, so I guess I can’t give it a 0. What is that texture? Well, knowing nothing about the procedure for making brownies at Sainsbury’s, I am now led to assume that they bake a mediocre sponge cake and then press down on it until it stops springing back into its original shape. 2/10

Presentation: They look like they could be good brownies! That’s one of the things that makes this so frustrating! But they’re not! 3/5

Value: £1 for these three brownie slices. That’s a lot of money for something you’re not going to enjoy eating. I guess you could use them as heavy ammunition in a food fight. 1/10

Fudge Factor: I bought these brownies. I ate two for this blog post. I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do with the third one than throw it away. I didn’t want to eat it. I didn’t want to save it for later. I didn’t want to inflict it upon anyone else. I threw it away. -2/5

End Score: 7

Should I Buy And Eat This Brownie?

No. There’s no scenario in which you should do this. Sainsbury’s is full of food! You could do so many better things with your £1. You could probably buy a fudge brownie flavoured Frijj milkshake, which I think would be a better brownie than this despite not even being in the same phase of matter as a brownie. You could buy a pack of beef mince, eat it raw, roll the dice on food poisoning and probably still be better off in the long run. If you’ve gotta spend that pound on sweet things, get like a three-pack of flapjack or a four-pack of whichever chocolate bar is on offer at that time (there’s always one). If you are being threatened by a madman with a gun, who will kill you and all your loved ones unless you buy and eat this brownie… you should at least see if he’ll be willing to go halvsies on the brownie with you.

Closing Thought

I THREW THE BROWNIE AWAY!

9 thoughts on “Sainsbury’s: Guess I’ll Just Brownie

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